Three Men Walk Into A Dungeon
by The Seventh L
Summary: For the Brigadier, being stuck in a jail cell with the Doctor is bad enough without there being two of him. //Contains mentions of past episodes, stories, and certain English politicians, in a way.//


For Brigadier Sir Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart, highly decorated officer and defender of the earth, the situation could not possibly get any worse. A small fleet of Sontarans, armed to the teeth with blaster rays, had taken over a small military base supposedly hidden from civilians in a secluded part of the countryside and demanded the country government provide them with materials to re-energize their ship - oh, and the several thousand humans that lived in the surrounding areas for testing purposes. Naturally, the government resisted the Sontarans' requests and sent ex-retired Lethbridge-Stewart to take care of the mess, assisted by a squadron of UNIT soldiers.

So of course, while pursuing the alien invaders, their convoy was assaulted head-on by the invisible makeshift force field surrounding the base, and the Brigadier and the other soldiers were captured and kept in their military's own cell block. They even had the smarts to separate the Brigadier from his men and put him in a separate cell with only a hard metal bench and no windows. Tricky little potato men. For some reason he was able to understand the Sontaran language without aid, which was almost regrettable as the Sontaran guarding his cell was mind-numbingly boring, lots of mindless mumbling about neck vents and wages. He instantly realized why he was able to understand everyone's speech so readily when minutes later, a clawed hand opened the door and pushed in two very familiar men, one blond and brash in a colorful suit and the other small and dark-haired and covered in question marks.

"Brigadier!" the two Doctors chorused cheerfully, sitting themselves on both sides of the man with grins on their faces, and Lethbridge-Stewart found himself wondering if this meant the current situation had just gotten better or a whole lot worse. Probably both.

After some initial warm greetings from his scientific advisors, this is what the Brigadier could glean out of the Doctors' off and on rambling about how they stumbled across the Sontarans' stolen stronghold: both Time Lords happen to respond to the same distress call from a British soldier at the same time so that when they both materialized inside the force field bubble, in the building's basement (of course), both TARDISes stood back to back, which made for a very odd how-do-you-do when their respective Doctors emerged to find their other self in the same room. Shortly after that, their presence(s) triggered the alarm, and a phalanx of Sontaran soldiers had them surrounded, guns at the ready to blast them both into Gallifreyan dust motes. They didn't; instead, they quickly hustled the two men into the jail cell, all the while sending one of their own to summon their head commander, that he might question the two of them.

"I don't think he'll be responding to their call anytime soon, though," the blond Doctor admitted, looking guilty.

"I'm going to regret asking, but why?" the Brigadier asked.

"I think we landed on him when we came in."

"I wondered what that loud wet noise was," the other Doctor mused. The Brigadier blankly wondered for the hundredth time if Gallifrey had a Scotland or if it was just coincidence. He could feel a migraine coming on.

"Then tell me, Doctor, what does that mean for this base? Do you honestly think the Sontarans are going to just get up and walk away when they hear their commander was squashed like a mosquito under a twin set of blue boxes that happen to belong to their most hated enemy . . . s?"

"Enemy - singular," the Sixth Doctor corrected. "And it was more like a midge than a mosquito."

"I'm sure we'll come up with a plan before too long," added the Seventh Doctor. "We've got all the time in the world, after all." He tapped the ground thoughtfully with the end tip of his brolly.

The Brigadier groaned. "Can't imagine what help I'll be to you . . . two, being stuck here."

"Nonsense!" his friends protested, insisting that Alistair was tons more clever than he gave himself credit for, even if he was on occasion a stick in the mud when it came to things of the extraordinary and not of this earth.

"Anyone who is willing to step toe-to-toe with the Führerwithout breaking a sweat is a good man in my book." The Sixth Doctor frowned. "I thought you were retired, Alistair?"

His future self piped up, cheerfully. "Oh, you'll soon change that before long. Trust me."

"It must be something big to make that happen - something like Daleks?"

"More like . . . wizards."

The sixth one let out a low whistle. "As long as no one has to wear any silly robes. Or pointed hats - okay, those are both clichés, but still." He pouted. "I consider myself well dressed for my age."

"Speaking of which, have you ever considered something in a more blue hue?"

Despite himself, the Brigadier felt the need to butt in. "Wait a minute, aren't you chaps just _spoiling_ each other for future events?" He was rewarded for his troubles by a look from the younger one that made him feel dense, and a small smile from the older one that made him feel lost. Typical Doctor behavior. They may have all been splendid chaps but they certainly had a good time making his head spin, especially when there was two of him.

In the distance, the three of them could hear something akin to two loud explosions, one after the other.

"Ah, that will be my back-up, Ace."

"Second one is probably Frobisher, that wily Whifferdill."

Alistair gulped. He had met Ace (great lass all about, very energetic) and heard stories about the penguin (a crafty shape shifter as well as the intergalactic Sam Spade type); he didn't look forward to explaining to the higher ups why their coveted secret military base had been turned into a rubble heap - and this time, it wouldn't be the Sontaran's fault.

The door to their cell blew open. The Brigadier jumped to his feet, followed almost reluctantly by the Doctor. One of the soldiers from UNIT stood in the doorway, framed by smoke billowing past his back, a Sontaran rifle in his hand. Surprisingly enough, he was also standing at attention.

"Sir, the military fort is under attack, and we've gained the upper hand. We're clearing out the Sontaran threat. Your orders, sir?" He looked rather young, and his voice betrayed a note of nervousness. The Brigadier made a mental memorandum to review the personnel files of his younger soldiers.

"Stand down, young man, that's good. The Sontarans are not the type who enjoys being prisoners. Since we've got them on the defense, they will do everything they can to go down in a blaze of glory. Tell the men to try to capture at least one for questioning, but not if their actions threaten the squad's well-being, and do _not_ try to chase down their spaceship as it leaves. Make sure that whatever Sontaran technology is left behind is quickly secured and send through the proper channels in UNIT HQ. Got that?"

"Y-yes sir!" The young man couldn't help but glance over at the two Doctors, who were just standing about looking a little bored to the untrained eye.

"What's your name, young man?"

"Lieutenant Clegg, sir."

Before the Brigadier could continue, the Seventh Doctor spoke up. "Tell your men to aim for the vents on the back of the Sontarans' necks. Oh, and if you see a young girl throwing aerosol cans or a talking penguin, try not to shoot them as well - they're with us."

Clegg stiffened. He seemed to realize he was in the presence of the stuff of legends, the subject of the stories that tended to travel around UNIT barracks with all the mystery of fairy tales and old world myths. He put all of his best manners into his next words, trying his best not to freak out: "Yes, sir."

The Doctor smiled and waved him farewell. "Go on and tell your men then, Nick." With that, the young lieutenant stumbled off, not even questioning how the Time Lord managed to learn his first name.

The other Doctor snorted. "Boy, will you be in for a shock when ---" His future self somehow managed to shush him with a finger to his lips and a sneaky smile, and once again the Brigadier felt lost in the dark.

"Oh, don't look like _that_!" the blond one said to the Brigadier, oddly exasperated. "You know how it is, time lines and all that. If I told you what happens to that boy ten, twenty years from now then who knows how catastrophic the consequences can be - for him and for you?"

The Doctor at his elbow grinned. "Besides, waiting is half the fun. Still, if he asks to leave, you may want to consider letting him go. In the name of history, of course."

"And if his childhood chum David comes round calling, be a good man and give him the boot, okay? He's supposed to be somewhere else!" The two of them looked at each other like it was the most hilarious thing in the world.

The Brigadier huffed a bit, but soon recovered. He could hear the sounds of rapid rounds being fired and Sontarans letting out their guttural war calls before falling. "Well, I can't say it's been fun seeing you - the both of you - again, but it was interesting. Now if you'll excuse me, Doctor, my men need me."

With a doff of the hat, the Seventh Doctor made his way to the door, narrowing avoiding a flying piece of debris that was also on fire. "And my companion needs me too. Well, your men need me to get my companion. You know how she is." With a twirl of his brolly, the man was gone.

"Great, now I've got to lug back that foolish penguin back to the TARDIS. Rassilon knows what trouble he's gotten into." The Sixth Doctor gave the Brigadier a bracing pat on the back then started off on his own way. "Wonderful time seeing you again, Brigadier, we must do this again some time. Toodles! And don't forget that bit about Clegg, yes?"

"Ah. Yes - I suppose we will – in the past. I mean, your future." The Brigadier watched, dazed, as the Doctor's colorfully clashing back retreated into the loud and crazy mess that was going on outside the cell – but not loud enough to drown out the Time Lord's cheerful farewell of "That's the spirit, old friend!"

Oh, bother. He was getting used to partial time paradoxes and how to address them. Re-retirement started looking a little rosier.

Once again, he found himself huffing as he stepped into the pandemonium between UNIT soldiers and Sontaran warriors, the atmosphere feeling natural to his old wartime spirit, a lifetime spent in the military. Over gunfire fading they could hear a chorus of mechanical wheezing and groaning. As he gave out orders and shuffled his soldiers about to cover the entire compound from top to bottom, the Brigadier could not help but wonder in the back of his mind about the man in the blue box with his strange friends who was probably at that moment drifting through a mess of stars, thinking about where to go next. He wondered what happened to the Doctor between one life and another, to go from a loudmouthed blond firecracker in a Technicolor suit to a starry-eyed Scottish dreamer with a load of secrets in his head.

And then he remembered that Doris' birthday was in two days, and as he ordered two lieutenants to retrieve the data from an abandoned Sontaran computer the Brigadier wondered if it would be appropriate to use the convoy a little longer to buy her a present.

"Brigadier?" Clegg was at his elbow, a cardboard box in his hand with a paper card taped to the lid. "This seems to have been left for you." The Brigadier took the box gingerly, eyeing Clegg warily as he returned to his duties with his usual bright faced look. He'd make a great politician with that honest face of his.

_Dear Alistair_, the note read. _I think Doris will really like this. Don't worry; you've already paid me back. Cheers! ---The Doctor_.

The Brigadier managed to find a sane moment between escorting their lone Sontaran prisoner into the back of a UNIT issued lorry and driving back to HQ to look inside, just to make sure the Doctor wasn't trying to send his dear wife some kind of foreign overgrown octopus that spits liquid diamonds or something. He was immediately bathed in a blue and silver light from the sparkling stones of the diadem inside that literally took his breath away. When he shut the box minutes later, he was frowning. Alistair had always thought his Doris was a queen, but this was going a little too far.

When he went outside, he found a skinny young man in pinstripes and trainers hanging about by the convoy. He grinned.

"Oh, did I miss it already? Don't tell me, she didn't like the present?" the Doctor asked, about as excitable as a giddy puppy.

The Brigadier groaned and started to turn around. Maybe the Sontarans had an escape pod left behind for him.


End file.
